January 8, 2014
as i share my excitement in having my husband present for my 20 week appointment and seeing his reaction to seeing our baby up on the monitor, i can't help but feel sad. sharing these moments together with fellow bloggers on instagram and dear friends. news arose that one momma-to-be lost her babe this week (sharing the same due-date week as mine). i can't even fathom the idea of losing your little one this far into a pregnancy. i know there are no words that can ever make up for it and i wish in every way possible there was. here i am so excited to see our little one moving around and feel so guilty, while others are having to say goodbye. my heart aches. each and every day for them, and each and every day i thank the lord for another day of feeling a very active baby's kicks and punches in my stomach. i pray hard that it will still be there the next day after.
the lord works in mysterious ways, and i want to brag about all the excitement of find out our baby's gender and the fun of trying to keep it a secret, while the next thought in my mind is, what if the worse happens? what if the husband and i shouldn't have put up the baby crib already. we shouldn't have started to do this and that. it makes me cry long and hard, in wishing those same events would still be happening for other mothers-to-be. i pray for them, and hope time heals just a little bit of the wound left after their babe has left this earth, before it could even take it's first breath. i wish i could wrap my arms around each one of them.
this week i also had to say "see you soon" to the husband again, realizing that time is slowly getting closer to him leaving for many months. and as hard i push those thoughts to the back of my mind, they come back up to the front even harder with so much more emotions than before. am i really ready for this? i pray that i am, that i am given the strength to raise our child on my own for over 9 months without him. it's only going to get harder, as the days go by. i miss him already.