June 4, 2014
i may regret saying this, but i think i'm done with this newborn stage. i've had two more months than normal parents and i'm ready for the next stage. one that involved sleeping for more than two and half hours at a time. oh how i missed those pregnancy days of literally sleeping from 7:00pm until 7:00am. i forgot what it feels like.
i've become a bit bitter every time i see a photo of a daddy holding their child. i want that. more than anything, i want that extra set of hands. i want that help for the late night diaper change and screaming, hungry baby. i want someone to say "don't worry whitney, i'll take this shift. you get some rest." but i don't want that to be just anyone, i want that to be my husband. i want him to share in these "moments" where it feels like all you do each day is change him, feed him, he naps for what seems like 10 minutes and the cycle begins again. he won't get that chance. he won't know what it's like to hold him with just one arm, because those 8 pounds is still pretty light.
though i know we had it coming. i shouldn't have expected anything else. but i'd give anything for a day where i didn't have to worry about if i grabbed enough diapers and milk to get me through a errand trip. a day where i could walk down the beautiful aisles of target and not worry that i have to be back in time to let the dog out or find a place to warm his bottle. i miss those date night bike rides with my husband. i miss those late night movies we'd go watch as we stuffed our face full of peanut butter m&ms and root beer soda and not have to worry about when he'll have to eat next. though it may be selfish of me, i need, no i crave this time. but more than anything, it eats away at me that my husband doesn't get to have these same worries. all he can do is watch through a computer screen and listen to me complain day after day about this that and another. it's not easy. no one every said it would be. but i think if i had him here, things would be just a little different, a little more "easy".