first week

our little man has made leaps and bounds his first week of life. after one night he had the tube that was down is lungs removed and was put on a cpap for help to keep his lungs open. within a couple days he was moved to the oxygen help you see in the picture, but was truly breathing on his own. from day one, i started pumping and was able to over produce for him to start gavaging through a feeding tube, which was once in his mouth, but moved to his nose so he wasn't gagging on it. all of his IV's were taken out and he was no longer on antibiotics.

the day after he was born, i was able to hold him. with my parents and my sister in the room and my husband on facetime, i held my little man. all of those emotions just came rushing in. he is actually here. he is in my arms. he's alive and breathing. there isn't a single thing wrong with him. he is perfect in every which sort of way. but yet he daddy isn't here. able to hold him in his arms, feel his little arms and legs stretch out, watch as he opens and closes his eyes. i started to cry and couldn't seem to stop, which got everyone else in the NICU room teary eyed too. as i laid in my bed that night, i woke myself up from a dead sleep. tears streaming down my face. i wasn't upset i was no longer pregnant. i was actually more than thrilled, a relief. i just had a huge wave of guilt rush over me. here i am posting picture upon picture, taking endless videos and sharing them all with my husband. while he sits a world away staring at a computer screen with no other option but to just look at his son. i wanted with every bone in my body for him to be here with us.

as i watched late one night, while a new baby was brought into the room, and seeing their mother and father there together. the father giving his wife soft kisses on the forehead as she held their baby in their arms. then watching that same father get to hold their little one and seeing that gentle smile appear on his face. i missed my husband. and i cried again, holding our little man in my arms, alone.

it's been hard first week. an endless roller coaster of emotions and tears, what seems to now be just small naps throughout the entire day, and a never ending supply of tiny poopy diapers to change. every single time when i walk into his room and see him laying there, i can't believe he is really mine. forever. it's a crazy feeling and his life as only begun. happy first week of life little man.