the hardest part

as i sit in the rocking chair, in my son's room for the night. he drank his night-time milk, and i slowly rock him back 'n forth in my arms. dish rag in his mouth (it's his form of a nuk) and his legs crossed on top of my lap. everything is quiet, he is actually laying in my lap, not wanting to get up and move around. i hold him just a little tighter, breathe him in just a little sweeter. i realize that this is the hardest part of parenting. it isn't the long nights of zero sleep. it isn't the countless hold your breath diaper changes, praying he doesn't pee. it isn't the IV's and breathing tubes when he was in the NICU as a preemie and countless pokes at the doctors.

it is nights like these were i realize he has grown from his tiny little chicken legs. his muscles are stronger, and soon those legs will be running all round the house. they used to be wrapped up in swaddled blankets, covered in adorable footie button-up pajamas. this is the hardest part, watching him grow up before your eyes, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. not even pause just for a second. it's hard to remember every little detail. i barely remember what he was like as a newborn, how quickly it fades without the help of videos and photographs. understanding that soon this little 20lb peanut, will be a grown man; hopefully towering over me. meeting someone and raising a family of his own. hopefully rocking his own little baby the same way. sending those sweet soft kisses to their forehead, whispering "i love you"s as you lay them into their crib for the night.

tomorrow he will be just a little bigger, just a little smarter, just a little taller. and you can't make it stop. not matter how hard you seem to try.